Surviving the Quarantine Exam...barely

Many apologies friends for the long absence. Quite a bit has happened but not much has warranted the "I can't wait to blog about this" thoughts in my head...UNTIL TODAY. And boy did they come back with a vengeance. Before I get to my Shanghai Quarantine story I'll give you an update on my life for the past 6 weeks: I moved into a new apartment with a gorgeous view and signed a one-year lease (YIKES!). Still don't have a job, but I am working on that little detail AND I may have picked up a special friend along the way. We'll leave that for another post though (or if you've talked to my mom in the last 6 weeks i'm sure you have all major and minor details).

Back to the quarantine! So since I love Shanghai so much and want to stay here for a while I had to enroll in another semester of Uni to easily extend my visa and if you are here more than 6 months you have to get a medical exam. Thinking this was no big deal, probably just a check of my height/weight/blood pressure/heart beat/etc, an easy formality to get a visa, I rejoiced in my soon-to-be visa extension success. UNTIL I talked to a few folks who had been through the "formality" and was met with sly grins and phrases like "rite of passage". Oh. dear. All I prayed for was no use of needles or blood drawing or, for that matter, coming within 20feet of a needle. Yes, I have a phobia. Yes, it's all mental, I know, but its there and I get really lightheaded and hot and sweaty and would rather lick a Chinese Metro handrail than get my blood drawn in China! Again I was met with the sly grins and "rite of passage" jargon. Noooooo!

Naturally I put this off until the last minute but finally couldn't escape it. So off I went to the "Shanghai Quarantine Service". The word quarantine jut gets it all going on a bad start. Like you're entering the Int'l House of Disease or so. But, it started out normal enough with many foreigners joining me. What I would soon find out is that we go as a group of about 15 for each appt time and do different stations. What I DIDN'T know, that apparently everyone else did, is that I should have worn pants b/c you have to dress in a gown for the exam but can leave your bottom apparel on. WELL, being nearly 100 degrees in Shanghai at the moment my choice of clothing usually resorts to dresses and did on this particular day. AWESOME. The gown, naturally, was fitted for Chinese people who, on average, are "slightly" shorter than my 5feet8inches. So I had to walk around the quarantine area in front of everyone else in this tiny Chinese dressing gown, holding it down as far as it would go to not show any, um, backend real estate. Uncomfortable from the get-go?? YES but moving on.

Test #1 was an xray. Really?? Is this necessary?? I swear I haven't stolen the torch and swallowed it. I clearly angered the tech in the brief 5 seconds it took me to enter the room b/c he pushed me in front of an apparatus and concocted me in this incredibly odd position, quite forcefully, and told me not to move. I stood there for about a good 5 minutes not moving a muscle but also not hearing anything happening then finally hearing the techie say something that sounded a mix between "don't move" and "good". "What?" "Don't move" "Ah!" "Good" "What?" This went on for about 30 seconds when he finally came in the room and removed me from the apparatus (clearly calling me a stupid foreigner in his head all the while).

Next room...duh duh duh...NOOOO are those??? Yes they are! NOOOOOO! Needles and rubber strips NOOOOOOOOO! It took me a good minute tomentally pump myself up for this and sit down in the seat while the Chinese nurses kept saying "please be calm". After deep breaths and serious closing of the eyes, it was over but not before I had to sit in the room another 10 minutes and listen while 3 more people got their blood taken. UGH! The snap of the rubber and taping of the vein almost made me puke! But I survived. Which I am so happy b/c I got to experience the rest of this lovely exam. I have to say this was probably the most normal of all the tests as it only got weirder from there.

Next was my doctor exam. Let me set the scene first. This hospital is what you would expect out of a 1950's Chinese Hospital, and it hasn't changed since. Pink cement walls, steel gurneys and blue curtains. Nice. The cute little old doctor told me to get on the bed (no sanitary changeable paper here) and started to feel for my heartbeat, etc. Normal enough right?? NO. He then pulled out a sonogram machine!!! Wha??? And started poking and prodding my ribs and stomach which happened to be quite sore from yesterday's yoga session! Why am I having a sonogram in China?? Why?

NEXT, was my ECG whatever the heck that is. I KID YOU NOT. They hooked up electrode CLAMPS to my right ankle and both wrists then stuck suction cups to my chest! Where am IIIIIII??? Please take a moment to picture this and don't forget the skimpy robe that I was wearing as well. The doctor finished after about 5 minutes and proceeded to tell me that everything was normal. No. I'm sorry honey. There is NOTHING normal about this.

When all was said and done I had x-rays, a sonogram, was hooked to electrodes, given an eye test, blood drawn, and a full body doctor exam all within 45 minutes. At least I can say it was efficient.

And so continues this odd but fabulous life I live in China.